Relationships are important to all of us, connecting with people, being close to people, gives us a sense of belonging and helps us to feel safe validated and good about ourselves. However sometimes relationships can give rise to negative feelings, like sadness, frustration, anger and a feeling of being rejected. These negative feelings can arise from time to time in a stable happy relationship because of life changes, or stressors that people may go through. Sometimes these negative feelings are there right from the beginning of the relationship but they are not addressed because of a fear that things will go wrong if they do address them.
When a relationship ends, or things start to go wrong, it feels as if the whole world has fallen apart, because very often you feel rejected and it affects your self-esteem and sense of stability, and you ask yourself again and again why it has happened. The strained relationship gives rise to distress and unhappiness. Relationship problems can present as emotional problems like depression, anxiety, self-harm, anger and aggression, alcohol and drug misuse or eating disorders. Sometimes people will not relate these symptoms to relationship issues. A comprehensive assessment by an expert will help to uncover the relationship issues and help the person to acknowledge it. Relationship issues can lead to exhaustion, upset, and low self-esteem.
Symptoms of relationship problem
Relationship problems are relatively easy to spot, there are four areas to consider. These are otherwise known as The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse (thanks to over 50 years of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman):
1. Criticism. âYou always..â or âYou never..â is a common way of starting out on a criticism. When you criticise your partner you are saying that something is wrong with them. The outcome: most people respond to criticism by becoming defensive. This leads both partners to feel unheard and possibly even bad about themselves. The antidote: Make a direct complaint about something specific, donât forget to ask for what you need and avoid general attacks on personality.
2. Contempt. This is by far the most serious of the four horsemen. It includes any verbal or nonverbal expression that puts one partner above/ or better than the other. Common forms of contempt include eye-rolling, sneering, name-calling and mocking. It eats away at fondness and admiration between two people and if left unchecked can be the undoing of the relationship. The antidote: lower your tolerance of contempt and with the help of couples counselling learn to foster an appreciation for each other. With help, you can learn to eliminate contemptuous communication.
3. Defensiveness. There are two common forms of defensiveness that often appear when someone perceives they are being attacked. One form is by counterattacking. âYeah well what about the time you âŠâ Sound familiar? The second form of defensiveness is to play the role of an innocent victim, often you can spot this when a whiney voice appears. Where does it lead⊠defensiveness prevents both parties from taking responsibility for their actions. The antidote: even if your partner is criticising, try to hear their complaint and take some responsibility for the relationship problem.
4. Stonewalling. When a partner withdraws or shutdowns from a conversation it is called stonewalling. It can look like not caring but that is often not the case, in fact, the stonewaller is often overwhelmed and is trying to calm him/herself down. This horseman is most likely male (80% of stonewallers are men) and unfortunately, women tend to interpret stonewalling as ânot caringâ and thus can create a vicious cycle of escalation where one person seeks answers and the other tries to escape. The antidote: taking a break when you notice yourself or your partner becoming emotionally overwhelmed.
Arguments with your partner, Intimacy problems, lying to one another, lack or breakdown of communication, lack of trust, anger towards your partner are some of the other relationship problems.
Treatment for Relationship Problems
We offer support and relationship counselling to individuals and couples looking to address problems. Relationship difficulties are by far one of the biggest stressors that we face. At every age and stage of life we come across relationship challenges, it could be with our significant other, friends, family or work colleagues. The key to overcoming these challenges is to keep working at things and seek out help when you need it. At Happy Therapists, our experienced psychologists provide couples and family treatment that results in improved relationships, by offering techniques and strategies that can have a positive impact on communication and behavior.
For couples, we help you regain trust and commitment through a process of identifying patterns and behaviors that are detrimental to your relationship. You will learn to identify the habits and thought patterns that are causing conflict and work together to develop more effective methods of behavior.
In families, we work within your current situation and help you identify the roles and actions for each person in the family. This education and identification helps everyone to change patterns and ways of responding and allows people to work together to develop more positive ways of interacting. Therapy is focused on the family system, and it includes those members of the family who play a long term supportive role for one another. We sometimes recommend family or couples therapy to be used in conjunction with other treatments to help a family member suffering with a mental illness, since it can be difficult to know how to interact when a loved one suffers from anxiety and depression. Family therapy can help the entire family understand the anxiety and teach new, more helpful methods of interaction.
During your sessions, you will benefit from a neutral environment with the guidance of one of our experienced, unbiased therapists. Your therapist will work with you to improve the way you communicate with one another through talking and listening. This in turn will reduce the number and the intensity of arguments as you will have a better understanding of each otherâs reactions. You will have the capabilities and tools to process and work through your unresolved issues for a healthy relationship. Your counselling sessions will provide an open opportunity to share your needs, fears, hopes and desires for your relationship. Learning how to negotiate commitments as an individual and in your couple is an imperative part to communicating well with your partner. Working with a relationship counsellor can help both individuals to voice their feelings and concerns toward the relationship.